Words of Comfort: Pema Khandro Rinpoche

My dear friend August sent me a link to this article by Pema Khandro Rinpoche.  Rinpoche is a teacher of Tibetan Buddhism.  It has to do with the concept of "bardo", or "having the rug pulled out from under us", as she so succinctly puts it.  An excerpt:

“But to be precise, 'bardo' refers to that state in which we have lost our old reality and it is no longer available to us. Anyone who has experienced this kind of loss knows what it means to be disrupted, to be entombed between death and rebirth. We often label that a state of shock. In those moments, we lose our grip on the old reality and yet have no sense what a new one might be like. … Until now, we have been holding on to the idea of an inherent continuity in our lives, creating a false sense of comfort for ourselves on artificial ground. ....There is no ground, no certainty, and no reference point—there is, in a sense, no rest. This has always been the entry point in our lives for religion, because in that radical state of unreality we need profound reasoning—not just logic, but something beyond logic, something that speaks to us in a timeless, non-conceptual way.”

I replied to August by affirming that "bardo" has indeed been the state of my life for the past year, as I'm sure it is for you, dear reader, as you continue to live through and process your grief and loss.  It also reminds me of my previous post on how we can continue to think more expansively and creatively about how we can use language to describe what we are experiencing.

Grief and the Limitations of Language

Over at What's Your Grief, Litsa Williams has another great article, "The Limited Language of Grief".  Oftentimes, she writes, those of us who are grieving have a hard time describing what we're feeling, and we struggle to find the right words to define what we're going through.  Other times, she writes, there aren't any appropriate words:

"Still, there are many experiences where we remain tongue tied.  These are grief-related events and feelings that should have a word, but don’t. For example, someone who has lost a spouse is a widow (or widower), someone who has lost both parents is an orphan.  But for those who have lost a child, we can think of no specific word.... Most commonly we hear the term bereaved parent and, though it works, I can’t help but wish that such an unbelievably devastating loss had its own word."

Perhaps we can look for ways to enlarge our vocabulary that encompasses our experience with grief and loss?  I do resonate with Williams's description of "grief friends" -- people you bond with over shared grief.  I've been fortunate enough to discover some of these people since my mom and the pets passed.  Anyhow, I would recommend reading the whole article -- it might be a good way to get us all thinking more creatively to explain what we're going through.

Loss Through Music: Westlife's "I'll See You Again"

My mother loved and enjoyed all kinds of music throughout her life: Classical, Rock-and-roll, Euro-pop, Broadway musicals, to name a few.  During the last few years of her earthly life, she started developing a fascination with a lot of the famous Boy Bands!  One group she enjoyed in particular was Westlife.  Mom -- I'm giving this one for you: "I'll See You Again":

 

 

Articles Worth Reading: Grief and Isolation

Over on her website griefandmourning.com, author Jade has a good article on the pitfalls of becoming isolated while we are grieving the loss of our loved ones.  I personally know all too well that this is a trap that is all too easy to fall into.  Jade writes:

"One of the most painful parts of the grief process is the experience of grief isolation. It’s bad enough that your loss already left you feeling alone and singled out from the rest of the world, but now, with no way of knowing how to respond to such tragedy, most grievers tend to go further into the isolation of pain and profound loneliness. While this is a common course people find themselves going toward, it doesn’t mean that it’s the best course to follow."

Lots of good suggestions here on how to combat "grief isolation", as well as many of the psychological traps we can fall into while we're dealing with our loss, and what we can do to correct them.