Articles Worth Reading: Regrets of the Dying

Back in 2012, Bronnie Ware, an Australian hospice nurse, wrote the book "Top Five Regrets of the Dying: A Life Transformed by the Dearly Departing."  According to Ware, the top five regrets these dying patients had were:

1. "I wish I'd had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me."
2. "I wish I hadn't worked so hard."
3. "I wish I’d had the courage to express my feelings."
4. "I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends."
5. "I wish that I had let myself be happier."
   

Mike Pegg, who writes over at The Positive Encourager, has this article which goes into a little more detail about Ware's book, along with some YouTube links of interviews of Ware herself.  

What's fascinating to me is that Ware is not the only person with these insights.  Julie McFadden, another hospice nurse, works in the state of California here in the United States, and has reported similar findings, according to this article from the Independent UK.  For me, this gives me pause and makes me think about how I need to live my life more mindfully and intentionally.

Can Technology Help Our Grief? New Developments of Amazon's Alexa

ABC News has published this article from the Associated Press about Amazon's latest development with their personal assistant device Alexa.  Excerpt:

"Amazon’s Alexa might soon replicate the voice of family members - even if they’re dead.

The capability, unveiled at Amazon’s Re:Mars conference in Las Vegas, is in development and would allow the virtual assistant to mimic the voice of a specific person based on a less than a minute of provided recording." 

I'm not sure what to make of this.  Personally, I'm not sure it would do much to help with my grief.  To me, hearing someone or some thing pretending to be my mother is not the same as hearing the actual voice of your loved one, even if it's from years ago.  But who knows?  Maybe there's another perspective here that I'm not aware of.

Using Technology to Contact the Deceased: Thomas Edison

Communication with the dead is a subject that immediately generates controversy.  Adherents of many of the world's major religions suggest that attempting to contact the deceased falls under the realm of "not possible" at best to "strictly prohibited" at worst.  And yet, there are many who have been curious to know whether it would be possible.  Many who claim to have made contact are spiritual mediums utilizing the method known as a seance.  Many of these people were later exposed as frauds and charlatans, although  others might not be so easy to debunk.

Still, there are others in the scientific world who have wondered if it is possible to contact our deceased loved ones using other means -- namely, through technology that many of us could eventually utilize on our own.  One such person who was interesting in making contact with the spirit world was none other than Thomas Alva Edison (1847-1931).  Best known for his work and inventions concerning electric power, motion pictures, and sound recordings, Edison also apparently was intrigued with inventing a device that could communicate with the dead, as he told an interviewer of American Magazine in 1920.

A young Thomas Edison with one of his inventions, the tinfoil phonograph, sometime around 1877.

 

At first glance, Edison would seem an incredibly unlikely candidate to explore such a venture.  But, as this article from Reliable Planet points out, radio and motion pictures allowed people to hear the voices and see moving images of people who were no longer living.  Direct communication with the deceased, in Edison's mind, likely would seem the next logical step.  While there were many who dismissed Edison's idea as a joke or even a scam, Philippe Baudouin, a French radio host and philosopher, discovered a copy of Edison's diary in a thrift store in 2015.  This edition, unlike the others, contains an additional chapter laying out Edison's ideas and theories on how communication with the spirit world could be accomplished.  This article at Phys.org gives some more background, but alas, no one has been able to find Edison's detailed plans or schematics, if in fact he ever did get that far. 

Edison died from complications of diabetes in 1931.  Interestingly enough, he appears to have had a deathbed vision.  His last words, apparently spoken to his wife as he drifted in and out of consciousness, were: "It's very beautiful over there."

 

Depicting Grief in Art: Pablo Picasso

In his lifetime, Pablo Ruiz Picasso (1881-1973) created over 13,000 (!) paintings.  That does not include the thousands upon thousands of other works of art to his name, including prints, engravings, ceramics, and sculptures.  One of these paintings is the "Weeping Woman", created in 1937.  Tate, the British art institute, gives us some background to this Picasso work:

 

"Weeping Woman is based on an image of a woman holding her dead child. It is taken from Picasso’s anti-war mural, Guernica. Picasso painted both works during the Spanish Civil War (1936-39). It was in response to the bombing of the Basque town of Guernica. The attack was carried out in April 1937 by Nazi Germany’s air force, in support of Spain's Nationalist forces."

 

Articles Worth Reading: "12 Insights into Grieving After the Death of Your Loved One "

Over at DignityMemorial.com, Dr. Therese Rando, a clinical psychologist in Rhode Island here in the United States, has written an article: "12 Insights into Grieving After the Death of Your Loved One".  Among her insights: "It Takes Time" -- even though many of us have this preconceived idea that our grief is automatically healed by the 6-month or 1-year mark.  Also: "Grief is Personal and Unique" -- everyone has their own individual relationship with the deceased, and everyone processes grief in their own way.

One particular excerpt from her article really stood out for me:

"In our society, there is a curious social phenomenon. On the one hand, we have relationships with dead people all the time. We learn about dead people in history, are influenced by them in philosophy and are moved by them in the arts. We celebrate holidays to remember them, dedicate buildings in their honor and visit museums to see how they lived. In virtually all aspects of our lives, we are in a 'relationship' with the dead.

However, on the other hand we are told that we have to 'get on with life' and 'let go and put the past behind.'  It seems that in Western society it is acceptable to have a relationship with a dead person as long as you didn’t know that individual personally. This is why you could be criticized for displaying a certain photograph of your departed loved one, but it is permissible to have Princess Diana's face on a memorial plate hanging on your wall. Clearly, there is a double standard."

Dr. Rando brings a lot of insight and wisdom to the subject of grief, and the whole article is absolutely worth reading in its entirety.

Do Animals Grieve?

Are humans the only species on Earth capable of expressing grief and sadness when family and other companions die?  I've oftentimes wondered on that possibility.  Jessica Pierce, of "The Smithsonian Magazine," wrote a 2018 piece asking that very question: "Do Animals Experience Grief?"  Pierce looks at the argument from both sides, and cautions us as to the appropriateness of ascribing human emotions to animals.  Nevertheless, Pierce believes that animals may, in fact, grieve and mourn in similar ways that humans do.  The following images could help us ask whether animals are purely instinctual creatures, or whether they are capable of feeling loss in a way similar to how us humans experience death and loss.

Monkeys: (source: https://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/asia/monkey-mourning-dead-baby-photo-infant-emotional-india-a7728226.html)

Doves: (source: https://cowboystatedaily.com/2021/06/08/image-of-dove-appearing-to-grieve-over-death-of-mate-in-wyoming-goes-viral/)

 

Raccoons: (source: https://www.ladbible.com/news/animals-raccoon-mourns-the-loss-of-its-buddy-20180827)

Practices That Have Helped: Keep Moving!

A few years ago, I found this message inside a Chinese fortune cookie: "The solution to grief is motion."  Not a fortune, of course, but a wise saying nonetheless.  Over the last couple months, I have tried to apply these words into my daily life, as I continue to work through my own grief.  Whether it's doing physical labor or going for a leisurely-paced walk, staying in motion has helped in dealing with my own sadness and anxiety.  Trying to do ANYTHING physical can feel like an enormous effort, especially if you are still in the early stages of grief -- but if you can find a way to make yourself do something, I have found that it does give you some sense of accomplishment and satisfaction, even if you're feeling lousy the rest of the time.  Baby steps every day.

Personal Musings: Getting Rid of Our Loved Ones' Stuff

A couple days ago, my dad made a comment to me that really stuck: as we've been getting rid of my mom's stuff, he said it felt like he "was burying her all over again".  Since this remark was made, both his mood and my own have improved, I'm happy to say.

Getting rid of our deceased loved ones' belongings can be an emotional experience, no doubt about it.  What makes it a lot easier is when you don't have to do it alone, especially when the person or people you're doing it with also knew your loved one.  Along with our house cleaner, who has been doing a wonderful job helping us out, the three of us have thrown out a number of my mom's things -- things that were old, worn out, or not likely to be wanted by someone else.  Yet there have been a lot of other things that we've been able to pass on to other people.  And a lot of those people have been thrilled by what they received.  It makes me feel good knowing that a number of my mom's things will go on to enrich, bring joy, or improve the lives of other people.  To me, it's another way to honor and carry on her legacy.

I would like to think my mom would approve.

Articles Worth Reading: Grief and the Highly Sensitive Introvert

Handling grief can be difficult, but individuals who identify as highly sensitive (HSPs) and introverted can face additional daunting challenges.  Being introspective as well as highly emotional, highly sensitive introverts might need to invest in additional self-care as they navigate the rough terrain of grieving and loss.

Over at the website Introvert, Dear, Kimberly Morata has a very helpful and practical article: "How to Cope With Grief and Loss as a Highly Sensitive Introvert"  She writes:

"Some research has found that, yes, [introverts grieve differently] since introverts gain energy through solitude. And whereas an extrovert may benefit from participating in an in-person grief recovery support group, for example, introverts may prefer to grieve privately instead."

On a personal note, this resonates pretty strongly with me.  The potential downside, I've come to realize, is that our need for privacy can sometimes lead to isolation, which can put us further away from the people and resources that can help us in the healing process.  Morata has a number of useful ideas that highly-sensitive introverts can put into practice, including using meditation apps, exercise, talking one-on-one with a religious or mental health professional, volunteering, journaling, and utilizing online support groups.  Lots of helpful advice here if you're an HSP and introvert and trying to get "unstuck" from your grief.

Practices That Have Helped: Taking Up Hobbies

Life coach Michelle Beltran wrote an article on her website from March 2020, just as the COVID pandemic was beginning to take off: "Taking on Hobbies to Cope with Grief".  From her article:

"Losing someone can be very traumatic for anyone. Everyone deals with grief in different ways. While there is no correct way to grieve, there are still methods of healthy healing. When trying to cope with grief, one may feel alone in their sorrow or hopeless in their recovery. One should remember that they are not alone, as thousands of people experience this emotion almost daily. In cases where grief counseling doesn’t suffice, individuals can take on hobbies to help them cope with grief."

I have taken Michelle's advice to heart in recent weeks.  Taking on new hobbies and/or reviving old hobbies that we haven't made time for can be helpful in rediscovering some of the small joys of living.  Sometimes these hobbies can be ours and ours alone, or they could also be interests that our deceased loved ones enjoyed and pursued.  Either way, pursuing hobbies can give us that tiny spark to make us realize that there is still much to enjoy in life, in spite of our losses.

Since we are also living in times of increasing financial strain, which can oftentimes add to the stresses we are already feeling, I found another useful article at freshhobby.com in relation to this: 30 Hobbies You Can Start for Under $30.

Dying & Grief in T.V. & Cinema: M*A*S*H

August Goforth, who I quoted extensively in a previous post here, was kind enough to share a link that some of you might find helpful if you're dealing with grief.  The subject in question is from the iconic television show M*A*S*H, namely episode 11 from season 10, "Follies of the Living, Concerns of the Dead", which originally aired on January 4, 1982.

 

This particular episode was considered somewhat controversial for the time, as it follows the spirit of a dead soldier, Private Jimmy Weston (played by actor Kario Salem) who doesn't realize that he's died.  Weston drifts around the 4077 Base, listening to the various conversations among the regulars, unable to get their attention.  The only person who can see and hear him is Klinger (played by Jamie Farr), who is suffering from a delirious fever.  Eventually, Weston realizes that he is dead, and ponders the meaning of his life. 

You can read a detailed summary of the episode here at the M*A*S*H fandom site, although I definitely think it's worth spending the approximate US $2.00 on one of the streaming services to watch the episode in its entirety.  There were a couple times during the episode where I myself got a little teary-eyed, and it made me realize how so many of the things we get worked up about in our earthly lives seems so trivial and superficial.  Highly recommended if you are experiencing grief.

 

Personal Musings: Good Days and Bad Days

A lot of people over the last few months have asked me how I'm doing, especially in light of all the family loss I recently endured.  My response to their question?  Over and over again, I tell them that I don't really have "good days" and "bad days" anymore.  It's been hard for me to have good days in light of what's happened to me over much of the last year.  At the same time, I really don't have "bad days" either, because how can anything top losing your beloved family members?  Instead, I explain that instead of good days and bad days, I have "days that are manageable", and "days when I really struggle".

Several months ago, I would say that most of my days were the struggling ones, with only a few days here and there that felt manageable.  Nowadays, I'm having a slightly higher percentage of days that are manageable.  I can't remember where I first read it, but it's becoming clearer to me now: we don't ever fully recover from our grief -- we just get better at learning to live with it.

Books That Have Helped: "Hello From Heaven!"

Bill and Judy Guggenheim, authors of the 1995 classic book "Hello From Heaven!", are often heralded as pioneers in the research field known as "After Death Communications", or "ADCs" for short.  The Guggenheims interviewed over 300 people who spoke about being contacted by their deceased loved ones.  Some of these individuals received communications from their lost loved ones almost immediately after their deaths, while others received their first contacts months or even years later.  The chapters are organized primarily by the method of communication received: some detect familiar smells of their deceased relatives, others hear voices, bodily appearances, visitations through dreams, and some even receive messages over the telephone.

"Hello From Heaven!" will probably not appeal to those with a strong scientific mindset, as there isn't anything in the way of "hard evidence" to convince such readers.  But for those who are willing to trust and believe in the accounts and stories of those who were interviewed in the book, "Hello from Heaven!" can provide an enormous amount of hope and comfort.  Even though I've had the book for many years, I continue to find it a major source of solace, especially in recent months.