Videos That Have Helped: TED talk with Nora McInerny

Nora McInerny is no stranger when it comes to dealing with grief.  Over the space of 3 months in 2014, she lost both her husband and father to cancer and had a miscarriage with her second child.  Since that time, Nora has re-married, authored several books, including "The Hot Young Widows Club" and "Bad Vibes Only".  She also is the host of the podcast "Terrible, Thanks for Asking".  

Nora has the rare gift of handling grief with equal parts grace, wisdom, and humor.  In 2019 she gave a TED talk: "We Don't 'Move On' From Grief.  We Move Forward With It":

 

Nora's talk has been one of the most insightful videos on grief I have seen to date.  Some of my favorite quotes:  "Everyone you love has a 100 percent chance of dying."  "I'm just trying to do what I can to make more people comfortable with the uncomfortable, and grief is so uncomfortable."  "We don't look at the people around us experiencing life's joys and wonders and tell them to 'move on', do we?"  Again, I say: watch the whole thing from start to finish.  I think that Nora really understands some of the emotions we go through when we grieve.

Words of Comfort: the Apostle Paul

I recently re-discovered these words from St. Paul the Apostle (circa 5 - circa 65 AD/CE), in his letter to the church in Corinth (located in modern-day Greece), written sometime around 55 AD/CE.  The passage is from 2nd Corinthians, chapter 5, verses 1 through 10. It is taken from the New Living Translation of the Holy Bible.  I have found that the Apostle Paul has the rare gift of getting us to look beyond our present difficult circumstances and have us take the longer view:

"For we know that when this earthly tent we live in is taken down (that is, when we die and leave this earthly body), we will have a house in heaven, an eternal body made for us by God himself and not by human hands. ² We grow weary in our present bodies, and we long to put on our heavenly bodies like new clothing. ³ For we will put on heavenly bodies; we will not be spirits without bodies.^{[a] 4} While we live in these earthly bodies, we groan and sigh, but it’s not that we want to die and get rid of these bodies that clothe us. Rather, we want to put on our new bodies so that these dying bodies will be swallowed up by life. ⁵ God himself has prepared us for this, and as a guarantee he has given us his Holy Spirit.

⁶ So we are always confident, even though we know that as long as we live in these bodies we are not at home with the Lord. ⁷ For we live by believing and not by seeing. ⁸ Yes, we are fully confident, and we would rather be away from these earthly bodies, for then we will be at home with the Lord. ⁹ So whether we are here in this body or away from this body, our goal is to please him. ¹⁰ For we must all stand before Christ to be judged. We will each receive whatever we deserve for the good or evil we have done in this earthly body."

Beliefs About the Afterlife: the Ancient Egyptians

Sam Tetrault, a contributing writer for Cake, has an article about the ancient Egyptians and their beliefs in the afterlife.   For historical reference, most historians regard the "ancient" period of Egypt as lasting from circa 3100 B.C.E. (when the first pharaohs reigned) to 332 B.C.E. (when Egypt was conquered by Alexander the Great).  Tetrault points out that death was not something the ancient Egyptians were afraid of:

"[The] Egyptians didn’t have much fear surrounding death. Because death meant continuing on to the afterlife, which was very similar to the life they knew—this wasn’t a reason to be sad. Daily life in ancient Egypt focused on living to the fullest, whether that meant joining festivals, gaining wealth, or appreciating moments with friends and family."

One aspect of Tetrault's article that I find particularly intriguing is the concept of a confession and "final judgement", which predates the beginnings of the great monotheistic religions (Christianity, Judaism, and Islam):

"The first stop for departed souls is to the Hall of Truths. This is where they wait in line for judgment from Osiris, the god of the afterlife. In front of Osiris and the Forty-Two Judges, the soul makes what’s known as their Negative Confessions. This is a list of 42 sins one can commit against one’s self, the gods, or others....From there, the judges discuss the confession and present the heart to Osiris. It’s weighed on a scale against the feather of truth. If the heart is lighter than the feature, the soul goes to the afterlife."

Many other interesting facts and tidbits in Tetrault's article, including the Egyptians' belief that not burying a body would cause that person to return as a ghost!

Philosophy of Dying: Seneca - Part II

There was another quote from Mustapha Itani's article on Seneca that I think is worth mentioning, and that has to do with the memories we have of loved ones who have died, especially if they've passed away recently.  Again, Seneca addresses his friend Marcia, who lost her son at a young age:

"Then, Seneca states that it is an awful choice not to consider the entirety of [Marcia's] son’s life, and focus only on the tragic ending: 'you pay no attention to the pleasure you have had in your son’s society and your joyful meetings with him, the sweet caresses of his babyhood, the progress of his education: you fix all your attention upon that last scene of all.'”

After reading this, I realize that many of us who are grieving, including myself, might be better off heeding Seneca's advice.  When we lost someone we loved dearly, we tend to focus on our final moments with them, especially if those memories were extremely stressful and/or sorrowful.  As a consequence, we tend to bury or forget the memories of all the good times we had with them, which in all likelihood greatly outnumber the sad or negative memories.  As day-to-day life slowly becomes more manageable for me, I'm putting more effort in to remember the numerous good times I had with my mother and Carter and Milton.

Philosophy of Dying: Seneca

Seneca (circa 4 BCE - 65 CE) was one of the great Roman philosophers, who along with Epictetus and Marcus Aurelius, was instrumental in the promotion of Stoicism.  Over at dailystoic.com, Mustapha Itani has a great in-depth piece in how Seneca attempted to comfort his friend Marcia, who lost her son Metilius to death.  Lots of great content here, and this one stood out for me particularly:

"In a clear statement of Stoic determinism, Seneca gives an analogy to express the true nature of life, in which he states that life is just like an inn and that all of us will soon leave to make space for another guest. He states that our time here is short and all men and their works have a brief time here, and take no part of infinite time. People always say that someone “died early” and “before their time”, but in actuality, Seneca argues, every man has a time in this life that has been assigned to him, and that no one dies before his time. We always associate death with old men and old age, but death is always floating around everyone, even the youngest of children.

Seneca finishes with an essential reminder, that we should evaluate life not by length and years, but by virtue. One should not measure life by the number of years lived, rather by what has been accomplished and how it was lived..."

What Pigs, Organ Transplants, and the Stars Can Teach Us About Life and Death

Over at CNN.com, Katie Hunt has an article: "Research in pigs shakes up what we know about dying".  To summarize, scientists have discovered that cellular functions and blood circulation in pigs can be restored even an hour after their deaths.  This could have major implications for humans, especially when it comes to being able to increase the number of available donor organs for those who need them.

Speaking of organ transplants, this reminds me of a story I heard back in the news in the 1990s, when an older woman by the name of Claire Sylvia, who was seriously ill, received a heart transplant from a young man, Timothy Lamirande, who was killed in a motorcycle accident.  Soon after the transplant, she developed a serious craving for McDonald's Chicken McNuggets.  Unbeknownst to her at the time, Chicken McNuggets were one of the favorite foods of her donor, Tim.  This phenomenon has been reported in multiple publications, including Dr. Thomas Verny in Psychology Today, Lorianna De Giorgio in The Toronto Star, and Marcus Lowth at Listverse.com.  Of course, the vast majority of organ donor recipients report no changes in their personalities, or preferences, but there seem to be enough cases that this could warrant further investigation.

Between these stories about restoring bodily functions in pigs and organ transplants, I've beginning to realize that the line between "life" and "death" might not be as definitive and crystal-clear as we tend to think.  And when I think about it, I have to ask: what is life and what is death, really?  Or are we all just on some sort of continuum where it all just kind of blends and blurs together?  It reminds me of the saying that "We're all made of star stuff" -- the components and elements that make up the stars in the universe make up our own bodies as well, including carbon, hydrogen, nitrogen, oxygen, phosphorus, and sulfur.  

And on a related note, I'm reminded of theologian Philip Yancey, who once wrote that we humans are so limited in our understanding of our world and our universe, and he used this analogy of a supernova in his book "Disappointment with God" to show how a Supreme Creator being could be so much bigger than we realize:

"Now we understand time as relative, not as absolute. Perception of time, we are told, depends on the relative position of the observer. Take a recent example: on the night of February 23, 1987, an astronomer in Chile observed with his naked eye the explosion of a distant supernova, a blast so powerful that it released as much energy in one second as our sun will release in ten billion years. But did that event truly occur on February 23, 1987? Only from the perspective of our planet. Actually, the supernova exploded 170,000 years prior to our 1987, but the light generated by that faraway event, traveling almost 6 trillion miles a year, took 170,000 years to reach our galaxy.

And here is where the higher view of eternity defies our normal understanding of time. Imagine, if you will, a very large Being, larger than the entire universe—so large that the Being exists simultaneously on earth and in the space occupied by Supernova 1987A. [This being could observe] both past (from earth, he saw the supernova explosion of 170,000 years before), present (the events of 1987 on earth), and future (what was happening on Supernova 1987A “now" that earthlings will not learn about for 170,000 years) simultaneously.

Such a Being, big as the universe, could, from some lookout post, see what is happening anywhere in the universe at any given time."

I realize that this post almost reads more like a "random stream of consciousness", but it makes me realize how much more there is to life and death than we realize -- it's all very mysterious and very fascinating at the same time, even if I'm still struggling to find the answers.  May you, dear reader, find comfort and reassurance, as you too continue to search for answers.

Videos That Have Helped: When You Miss Someone

YouTuber Einzelgänger has a great channel devoted to philosophy, mostly devoted to Taoism, Buddhism, and Stoicism.  For those of you who struggle with grief, he has a very good video, "When You Miss Someone."  What I love about this video is that it can apply to people in a variety of situations, including those of us who had close friends move away, or are going through a break-up, as well as those of us who have lost loved ones to death.  Two quotes from the video that really struck me: "The reality is that everything comes and goes, and so do people.  The thing is that impermanence is what makes life possible, and, also, appealing."  And: "When we spend large amounts of time and energy on missing someone, we hand over the power over our mood to past memories....If we can't let go and long for something that isn't there, our present will appear gray and lifeless, often full of despair."  Definitely worth a full watch:

Videos That Have Helped: Pet Loss

One of my favorite YouTube channels as of late has been Dr. Ali Mattu's The Psych Show.  Dr. Mattu has a really good video from 2019: "Losing a dog is like losing a family member".  Very helpful and comforting if you are struggling with the loss of a beloved pet.

Personal Musings: Reflecting on Humor From Comedian Steven Wright

One of my all-time favorite comedians is Steven Wright.  I love a lot of his jokes, but one of my favorites is this one: "I filled out an application that said, "In Case Of Emergency Notify". I wrote "Doctor"... What's my mother going to do?"  

In recent months, I've realized that there can be a lot of underlying wisdom in humor.  For those of us who may have lost someone we were highly dependent on, especially if it's a spouse/partner or parent, we can feel like nobody else can help us if we find ourselves in a difficult situation -- that our loved one was the one person who could help us out.  Yet Steven Wright's joke reminds me that sometimes, other people might be in a better situation to help us out if we're in a crisis of one sort or another.  This isn't to say that our transitioned loved ones weren't highly capable people -- it's just that we can take solace and comfort in the fact that there are other people who can help us out and lift us up when we are not doing well and at a low point in our lives.   Even something as simple as someone cracking a good joke can make the dark days a little brighter.

Articles Worth Reading: Regrets of the Dying

Back in 2012, Bronnie Ware, an Australian hospice nurse, wrote the book "Top Five Regrets of the Dying: A Life Transformed by the Dearly Departing."  According to Ware, the top five regrets these dying patients had were:

1. "I wish I'd had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me."
2. "I wish I hadn't worked so hard."
3. "I wish I’d had the courage to express my feelings."
4. "I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends."
5. "I wish that I had let myself be happier."
   

Mike Pegg, who writes over at The Positive Encourager, has this article which goes into a little more detail about Ware's book, along with some YouTube links of interviews of Ware herself.  

What's fascinating to me is that Ware is not the only person with these insights.  Julie McFadden, another hospice nurse, works in the state of California here in the United States, and has reported similar findings, according to this article from the Independent UK.  For me, this gives me pause and makes me think about how I need to live my life more mindfully and intentionally.

Using Technology to Contact the Deceased: Thomas Edison

Communication with the dead is a subject that immediately generates controversy.  Adherents of many of the world's major religions suggest that attempting to contact the deceased falls under the realm of "not possible" at best to "strictly prohibited" at worst.  And yet, there are many who have been curious to know whether it would be possible.  Many who claim to have made contact are spiritual mediums utilizing the method known as a seance.  Many of these people were later exposed as frauds and charlatans, although  others might not be so easy to debunk.

Still, there are others in the scientific world who have wondered if it is possible to contact our deceased loved ones using other means -- namely, through technology that many of us could eventually utilize on our own.  One such person who was interesting in making contact with the spirit world was none other than Thomas Alva Edison (1847-1931).  Best known for his work and inventions concerning electric power, motion pictures, and sound recordings, Edison also apparently was intrigued with inventing a device that could communicate with the dead, as he told an interviewer of American Magazine in 1920.

A young Thomas Edison with one of his inventions, the tinfoil phonograph, sometime around 1877.

 

At first glance, Edison would seem an incredibly unlikely candidate to explore such a venture.  But, as this article from Reliable Planet points out, radio and motion pictures allowed people to hear the voices and see moving images of people who were no longer living.  Direct communication with the deceased, in Edison's mind, likely would seem the next logical step.  While there were many who dismissed Edison's idea as a joke or even a scam, Philippe Baudouin, a French radio host and philosopher, discovered a copy of Edison's diary in a thrift store in 2015.  This edition, unlike the others, contains an additional chapter laying out Edison's ideas and theories on how communication with the spirit world could be accomplished.  This article at Phys.org gives some more background, but alas, no one has been able to find Edison's detailed plans or schematics, if in fact he ever did get that far. 

Edison died from complications of diabetes in 1931.  Interestingly enough, he appears to have had a deathbed vision.  His last words, apparently spoken to his wife as he drifted in and out of consciousness, were: "It's very beautiful over there."

 

Depicting Grief in Art: Pablo Picasso

In his lifetime, Pablo Ruiz Picasso (1881-1973) created over 13,000 (!) paintings.  That does not include the thousands upon thousands of other works of art to his name, including prints, engravings, ceramics, and sculptures.  One of these paintings is the "Weeping Woman", created in 1937.  Tate, the British art institute, gives us some background to this Picasso work:

 

"Weeping Woman is based on an image of a woman holding her dead child. It is taken from Picasso’s anti-war mural, Guernica. Picasso painted both works during the Spanish Civil War (1936-39). It was in response to the bombing of the Basque town of Guernica. The attack was carried out in April 1937 by Nazi Germany’s air force, in support of Spain's Nationalist forces."

 

Dying & Grief in T.V. & Cinema: M*A*S*H

August Goforth, who I quoted extensively in a previous post here, was kind enough to share a link that some of you might find helpful if you're dealing with grief.  The subject in question is from the iconic television show M*A*S*H, namely episode 11 from season 10, "Follies of the Living, Concerns of the Dead", which originally aired on January 4, 1982.

 

This particular episode was considered somewhat controversial for the time, as it follows the spirit of a dead soldier, Private Jimmy Weston (played by actor Kario Salem) who doesn't realize that he's died.  Weston drifts around the 4077 Base, listening to the various conversations among the regulars, unable to get their attention.  The only person who can see and hear him is Klinger (played by Jamie Farr), who is suffering from a delirious fever.  Eventually, Weston realizes that he is dead, and ponders the meaning of his life. 

You can read a detailed summary of the episode here at the M*A*S*H fandom site, although I definitely think it's worth spending the approximate US $2.00 on one of the streaming services to watch the episode in its entirety.  There were a couple times during the episode where I myself got a little teary-eyed, and it made me realize how so many of the things we get worked up about in our earthly lives seems so trivial and superficial.  Highly recommended if you are experiencing grief.

 

Personal Musings: Good Days and Bad Days

A lot of people over the last few months have asked me how I'm doing, especially in light of all the family loss I recently endured.  My response to their question?  Over and over again, I tell them that I don't really have "good days" and "bad days" anymore.  It's been hard for me to have good days in light of what's happened to me over much of the last year.  At the same time, I really don't have "bad days" either, because how can anything top losing your beloved family members?  Instead, I explain that instead of good days and bad days, I have "days that are manageable", and "days when I really struggle".

Several months ago, I would say that most of my days were the struggling ones, with only a few days here and there that felt manageable.  Nowadays, I'm having a slightly higher percentage of days that are manageable.  I can't remember where I first read it, but it's becoming clearer to me now: we don't ever fully recover from our grief -- we just get better at learning to live with it.

Books That Have Helped: "Hello From Heaven!"

Bill and Judy Guggenheim, authors of the 1995 classic book "Hello From Heaven!", are often heralded as pioneers in the research field known as "After Death Communications", or "ADCs" for short.  The Guggenheims interviewed over 300 people who spoke about being contacted by their deceased loved ones.  Some of these individuals received communications from their lost loved ones almost immediately after their deaths, while others received their first contacts months or even years later.  The chapters are organized primarily by the method of communication received: some detect familiar smells of their deceased relatives, others hear voices, bodily appearances, visitations through dreams, and some even receive messages over the telephone.

"Hello From Heaven!" will probably not appeal to those with a strong scientific mindset, as there isn't anything in the way of "hard evidence" to convince such readers.  But for those who are willing to trust and believe in the accounts and stories of those who were interviewed in the book, "Hello from Heaven!" can provide an enormous amount of hope and comfort.  Even though I've had the book for many years, I continue to find it a major source of solace, especially in recent months.

Words of Comfort: August Goforth

August Goforth is a licensed psychotherapist and author of several books that deal with grief and the afterlife.  They have been among my short list of "go-to" books when I have been feeling sad and depressed during my grieving.  You can learn about these books in more detail at https://therisenbooks.com/.  August also has a website/blog where he posts regularly, which I have also found to be a very helpful resource: http://augustgoforth.blogspot.com/.

Depicting Grief in Art: Vincent Van Gogh

Vincent Van Gogh (1853-1890) was only in our world for 37 years, and yet the prolific Dutch artist created over 2000 works of art.  Interestingly enough, most of his 800+ oil paintings were created during the last two years of his life.  One of them, "Sorrowing Old Man (At Eternity's Gate)", was painted in May of 1890:

 

Journalist and teacher Jozef P. Astley has a great article on the background and inspiration for this Van Gogh painting, and cites art historian Kathleen P. Erickson's analysis of this work:

“Bent over with his fists clenched against a face hidden in utter frustration, the subject appears engulfed in grief. Certainly, the work would convey an image of total despair had it not been for the English title van Gogh gave it, At Eternity’s Gate. It demonstrates that even in his deepest moments of sorrow and pain, van Gogh clung to a faith in God and eternity, which he tried to express in his work.”

Van Gogh would commit suicide a little over two months later.

 

Personal Musings: When Our Loved Ones Suffer

A few days ago I was ruminating on the loss of my mother and our pets.  It occurred to me that there was something almost inconsistent in the way I was processing my losses.  When my mom and Carter and Milton were sick and not doing well, it usually did not stop me from getting a decent night's sleep.  Now that they have all transitioned away from earthly life, getting rest is sometimes more difficult.  Why is that?  The easy answer is that I'm still grieving their loss of companionship, even though they have all more than likely been freed from all pain and suffering.  Shouldn't I be celebrating, then?  And shouldn't I have been MORE concerned and worried about their well-being when they were still around and in the pain and discomfort they were in?  I almost feel like I'm a hypocrite, maybe even a bit inhuman.  I'm beginning to realize that grief exposes a lot about who we are as individuals, and sometimes those traits are things that I never would have suspected before.

Poetry in Grief: Henry van Dyke

One of my late mother's favorite poems has also become a favorite of mine.  Henry van Dyke Jr. (1852-1933) was an American author, poet, and minister in the Presbyterian Church.  For many years, he served on the faculty of Princeton University as a professor of English literature.  He also officiated at the funeral of Mark Twain in 1910.  He wrote many poems, and there is some question as to whether he is the true author of "I Am Standing Upon the Seashore," although some literary scholars believe him to be it.  Whoever DID write it has, in my humble opinion, composed a beautiful and hopeful ode to what awaits our deceased loves ones, and ultimately us as well.

"I Am Standing Upon The Seashore" by Henry van Dyke

I am standing upon the seashore.
A ship at my side spreads her white
sails to the morning breeze and starts for the blue ocean.

She is an object of beauty and strength.
I stand and watch her until at length
she hangs like a speck of white cloud
just where the sea and sky come
to mingle with each other. 

Then, someone at my side says;
"There, she is gone!" 

"Gone where?"
Gone from my sight. That is all.
She is just as large in mast and hull
and spar as she was when she left my side
and she is just as able to bear her
load of living freight to her destined port.
Her diminished size is in me, not in her. 

And just at the moment when someone
at my side says, "There, she is gone!"
There are other eyes watching her coming,
and other voices ready to take up the glad shout;
"Here she comes!"
And that is dying.

Words of Comfort: Paramahansa Yogananda

Paramahansa Yogananda (1893-1952) was an Indian Hindu monk, yogi, and guru.  He immigrated to the United States in 1920.  He is widely credited with increasing  the popularity of the yoga and meditation movements here in the U.S.  Yogananda combined many aspects of Western and Eastern belief into his theology; his Hindu background also incorporated much thought and discussion about Jesus and Christianity.  Yogananda also spent a fair amount in his speeches talking about death and dying.

Some of the most reassuring words I came across after the death of my mother came from a Yogananda article over at the Yogoda Satsanga Society of India website: "Life After Death: What Happens After Death".  The whole article is worth reading in its entirety, but here are a few excerpts that provided me with some solace during those really difficult days of grieving:

"Every one of us is going to die someday, so there is no use in being afraid of death. You don’t feel miserable at the prospect of losing consciousness of your body in sleep; you accept sleep as a state of freedom to look forward to. So is death; it is a state of rest, a pension from this life. There is nothing to fear. When death comes, laugh at it. Death is only an experience through which you are meant to learn a great lesson: you cannot die.

....

The body is only a garment. How many times you have changed your clothing in this life, yet because of this you would not say that you have changed. Similarly, when you give up this bodily dress at death you do not change. You are just the same, an immortal soul, a child of God.

....

Death is not the end: it is temporary emancipation, given to you when karma, the law of justice, determines that your present body and environment have served their purpose, or when you are too weary or exhausted by suffering to bear the burden of physical existence any longer. To those who are suffering, death is resurrection from the painful tortures of flesh into awakened peace and calmness. To the elderly, it is a pension earned by years of struggling through life. For all, it is a welcome rest."