Articles Worth Reading: Grief During the Holidays

The holidays can be a very difficult time to deal with during our grief.  There's an article over at Pathways Health:  Why Grief Can Seem Worse During the Holidays.  It's no secret why this time of year can be difficult for so many who are grieving a loss.  Quote:

"Grief in and of itself is bad enough, but it can be magnified when the holidays roll around. That’s mainly because the holiday season is filled with reminders of the one you lost, as you’re surrounded by others who have their loved ones with them and are celebrating a season of joy and togetherness." 

The author(s) have lots of good suggestions for how we can better deal with this time of year, including creating new holiday traditions, setting limits on how much you may or may not want to socialize with others, and donating to charity in your loved one's name.  All in all, a a nicely-written and concise guide for how to make this time of year a bit more bearable.

Words to Ponder Over: We're Dying All The Time

Not so much a "Words of Comfort" post, as much as a "Words to Ponder Over/Think About".  I was listening to Brian D. Smith's podcast Grief 2 Growth, while he was interviewing Clare Goldsberry.  Clare is the author of the book "The Illusion of Life and Death: Mind, Consciousness, and Eternal Being", and is a student of Buddhism.  At one point in the interview, she talks about the impermanence of all things, a theme I personally have been hearing more about lately:

"So we don’t really like the unknown, and we don’t like change. And I think one of the things about the Buddhist tradition....It’s a philosophy of change, and how to adapt to change, because everything will always change. And whether we know it or not, whether we like it or not, even our bodies are constantly changing. Day by day,  our cells die....we experience little mini deaths every day as our cells die. We get....new hair, we get new skin, we get new fingernails, things are always changing. We’re just not that aware of it. And I think this lack of awareness, about change and about impermanence really keeps us from looking at at death and what it is, and how we can have a good death and what it means. People think death is the end."

You can hear and/or read the whole interview here.

Brian's interview with Clare reminds me of an old science article I read years ago about how the human body replaces its cells every 7 years.  Actually, according to livescience.com, the truth is more complicated than that -- skin cells and cells in our digestive tract replace themselves in a matter of months, while certain cells in our brain are with us from birth until death.  But it does raise a fascinating perspective -- that, for the most part, the earthly bodies we inhabit now are not really the same earthly bodies we inhabited 10 years ago!  As Clare points out, everything in our world is in a constant state of flux, a constant state of change, and that leaving our physical earthly bodies behind at the time of "death"  is really about us going through another change as we go onto something new.

Videos That Have Helped: TED talk with Nora McInerny

Nora McInerny is no stranger when it comes to dealing with grief.  Over the space of 3 months in 2014, she lost both her husband and father to cancer and had a miscarriage with her second child.  Since that time, Nora has re-married, authored several books, including "The Hot Young Widows Club" and "Bad Vibes Only".  She also is the host of the podcast "Terrible, Thanks for Asking".  

Nora has the rare gift of handling grief with equal parts grace, wisdom, and humor.  In 2019 she gave a TED talk: "We Don't 'Move On' From Grief.  We Move Forward With It":

 

Nora's talk has been one of the most insightful videos on grief I have seen to date.  Some of my favorite quotes:  "Everyone you love has a 100 percent chance of dying."  "I'm just trying to do what I can to make more people comfortable with the uncomfortable, and grief is so uncomfortable."  "We don't look at the people around us experiencing life's joys and wonders and tell them to 'move on', do we?"  Again, I say: watch the whole thing from start to finish.  I think that Nora really understands some of the emotions we go through when we grieve.

Personal Musings: Dreaming About Fish, Death, and Resurrection

The night before last, I had a very interesting dream.  I can't recall a lot of the details, but I do recall standing near a huge table, and I could see a fish lying on that table.  The fish was barely alive -- I could see it with its mouth open, breathing slowly in a very labored fashion.  I then saw a large aquarium tank sitting on the table, and without hesitation I picked up the fish and tossed it into the tank.  I then saw it begin to wriggle in the water, slowly regaining its breath -- and then it began to dart around quickly, its life and energy regained.  That's all I can remember....

I wonder if there was a message for me in that dream.  One of the hardest things for me to witness was my mom and our pets slowing down and watching their life dwindle down to nothing.  But maybe I have the wrong perspective -- maybe our earthly lives really are like being "fish out of water" -- we can survive out of that water, briefly -- and then we return to the water to the Source, to God, or whatever you want to call it -- and then we gain our life and strength back.  Whatever it is, it gives me hope that the end of our time spent on Earth is not the end of our lives -- it merely is the end of one chapter, one experience -- and that there is much more life and experiences awaiting us after our Earthly journey....

Words of Comfort: The Bhagavad Gita

The Bhagavad Gita, a revered text from the Hindu religion, was produced during the first millenium B.C.E. Originally written in Sanskrit, there are over 300 translations in English alone. I particularly like this translation of verse 2:28 from Juan Mascaró: "Invisible before birth are all beings and after death invisible again. They are seen between two unseens. Why in this truth find sorrow?"

Philosophy of Dying: Confucius and Zhuang Zhou

Alexus McLeod is an Associate Professor of Philosophy and Asian Studies at the University of Connecticut.  In 2017 he penned an article: "What Chinese Philosophers Can Teach Us About Dealing With Our Own Grief".  He references writings from Zhuang Zhou, the Daoist philosopher who lived during the 4th Century B.C.E.  One particular insightful incident occurred when a friend of his, Hui Shi, finds him joyfully beating on a drum following the death of his wife, and reprimands Zhuang Zhou for his behavior.  Zhuang's response?

"Zhuang Zhou replies that when his wife first died, he was as upset as anyone would be following such a loss. But then he reflected on the circumstances of her origins – how she came to be through changes in the elements that make up the cosmos. He was able to shift his vision from seeing things from the narrowly human perspective to seeing them from the larger perspective of the world itself. He realized that her death was just another of the changes of the myriad things constantly taking place in the world. Just as the seasons progress, human life generates and decays.  In reflecting on life in this way, Zhuang Zhou’s grief disappeared." 

Of course, grief doesn't go away so easily for so many of us, but Zhuang Zhou's perspective might be helpful to meditate on.  Dr. McLeod also mentions how the Chinese philosopher Confucius  (c. 551 B.C.E. - c. 479 B.C.E.) suggested a three-year mourning period after the death of one's parent -- quite extraordinary by modern standards.  But for Confucius, anything less would not be appropriate.  According to McLeod, there is also a communal and ancestral component to our grief that cannot be ignored:

"There is more to the Confucian response to death than grief. Our encounter with others inevitably changes us. Those closest to us, according to the early Confucians, particularly family members, play the greatest role in determining who we are. In that sense, we are representatives of particular communities than detached and autonomous individuals.

After all, many of our physical features and personalities originate from our ancestors. In addition, we learn many of our attitudes, preferences and characteristic ways of acting from our families, friends and neighbors – the creators of our culture. So, when we consider the question of what we are as individuals, the answer necessarily encompasses members of our closest community."

Loss Through Music: George Harrison's "All Things Must Pass"

Former Beatles guitarist George Harrison wrote "All Things Must Pass" in January of 1969.  Originally planned to be on the Beatles' Let It Be album, the song didn't make the final cut.  There's debate over whether John Lennon and Paul McCartney didn't really like the song, or if George wasn't fully up to having his band mates perform with him on this particular track.  The song was later released in late 1970 over Harrison's highly-acclaimed album of the same name.

According to Wikipedia, author Elliot Huntley described the song as a "haunting hymn about the mortality of everything."  Some have speculated that Harrison was writing about the Beatles slow descent towards their break-up during that period, but others have noticed that Harrison's solo version of the song may have taken on an added dimension, after the death of his mother, Louise, in July 1970 at the age of 59.

Practices That Have Helped: Listening to Podcasts

It's no secret: grief can be a very isolating event.  It's actually kind of ironic: for something that is almost universally experienced, losing our loved ones can create all kinds of barriers with other people.  Friends who were once close to us might become more distant.  And we might be self-conscious about burdening other people with our sadness and turbulent emotions over our loss (or losses).  Many times we might find ourselves alone, wanting to talk with someone, but not sure who.  We might agonize over what we should say, and worry about how our words will be met.  We yearn to feel understood.

One practice that has really helped me in the last couple months has been listening to podcasts.  For me, it almost functions as a sort of "group therapy" when I don't have access to other people that I can share my experiences with.  Hearing others describe their losses, and the trials and sorrows they've endured, and how they've managed to pull through in spite of it all, has given me the strength to keep facing day-to-day life.  

There are two podcasts I have been listening to a lot as of late.  First is "Grief 2 Growth", hosted by Brian D. Smith.

 

 

Brian knows about the shock we can face from losing a loved one: his 15 year-old daughter Shayna died unexpectedly in 2015, and at that point he felt his life was over.  The tagline at the beginning of his podcast is that he was "planted, not buried" -- and his goal is to help listeners realize that they can still grow, thrive, and touch others' lives in spite of their grief.

The other podcast I've been listening to is hosted by Sandra Champlain, We Don't Die.

Sandra was a lifelong skeptic, until her fear of dying led her to conduct her own research, which led her to conclude that we, in fact, don't die at the end of our earthly lives.

Both Brian and Sandra have a wide variety of wonderful guests on their programs: people who have suffered the devastating loss of loved ones, people who have experienced profound After Death Communications and Near Death Experiences, people who are spiritual mediums, as well as people who have written books to help us deal with our grief.

I am sure there are many other podcasts out there that would be very beneficial for those of you who are grieving, and I hope to add to this list as I continue to explore.  In the meantime, if you are feeling lonely during this time of loss, I highly recommend checking out Brian's and Sandra's podcasts.  I have found much comfort by listening to them and the people they interview.

Articles Worth Reading: "You're Not Suffering One Loss, You're Suffering Many"

I just discovered this interesting article over at the Vitas Healthcare website: "You're Not Suffering One Loss, You're Suffering Many".  When we really think about it, there are actually multiple losses we suffer when we experience the death of a loved one.  The article lists over 20 ways we can feel loss.  Some of the more relevant, in my own personal case, include a loss of self-confidence, a loss of known family structure, loss of direction, and a loss of ability to see choices.  Do I feel like this all the time?  No, for me a lot of these feelings ebb and flow from day to day, or even throughout the day.  It's definitely worth a few minutes to read and go through the entire list -- the article does a really good job of clarifying a lot of the feelings and emotions people struggle with while they're grieving.

Words of Comfort: the Apostle Paul

I recently re-discovered these words from St. Paul the Apostle (circa 5 - circa 65 AD/CE), in his letter to the church in Corinth (located in modern-day Greece), written sometime around 55 AD/CE.  The passage is from 2nd Corinthians, chapter 5, verses 1 through 10. It is taken from the New Living Translation of the Holy Bible.  I have found that the Apostle Paul has the rare gift of getting us to look beyond our present difficult circumstances and have us take the longer view:

"For we know that when this earthly tent we live in is taken down (that is, when we die and leave this earthly body), we will have a house in heaven, an eternal body made for us by God himself and not by human hands. ² We grow weary in our present bodies, and we long to put on our heavenly bodies like new clothing. ³ For we will put on heavenly bodies; we will not be spirits without bodies.^{[a] 4} While we live in these earthly bodies, we groan and sigh, but it’s not that we want to die and get rid of these bodies that clothe us. Rather, we want to put on our new bodies so that these dying bodies will be swallowed up by life. ⁵ God himself has prepared us for this, and as a guarantee he has given us his Holy Spirit.

⁶ So we are always confident, even though we know that as long as we live in these bodies we are not at home with the Lord. ⁷ For we live by believing and not by seeing. ⁸ Yes, we are fully confident, and we would rather be away from these earthly bodies, for then we will be at home with the Lord. ⁹ So whether we are here in this body or away from this body, our goal is to please him. ¹⁰ For we must all stand before Christ to be judged. We will each receive whatever we deserve for the good or evil we have done in this earthly body."

Philosophy of Dying: Seneca - Part II

There was another quote from Mustapha Itani's article on Seneca that I think is worth mentioning, and that has to do with the memories we have of loved ones who have died, especially if they've passed away recently.  Again, Seneca addresses his friend Marcia, who lost her son at a young age:

"Then, Seneca states that it is an awful choice not to consider the entirety of [Marcia's] son’s life, and focus only on the tragic ending: 'you pay no attention to the pleasure you have had in your son’s society and your joyful meetings with him, the sweet caresses of his babyhood, the progress of his education: you fix all your attention upon that last scene of all.'”

After reading this, I realize that many of us who are grieving, including myself, might be better off heeding Seneca's advice.  When we lost someone we loved dearly, we tend to focus on our final moments with them, especially if those memories were extremely stressful and/or sorrowful.  As a consequence, we tend to bury or forget the memories of all the good times we had with them, which in all likelihood greatly outnumber the sad or negative memories.  As day-to-day life slowly becomes more manageable for me, I'm putting more effort in to remember the numerous good times I had with my mother and Carter and Milton.

Philosophy of Dying: Seneca

Seneca (circa 4 BCE - 65 CE) was one of the great Roman philosophers, who along with Epictetus and Marcus Aurelius, was instrumental in the promotion of Stoicism.  Over at dailystoic.com, Mustapha Itani has a great in-depth piece in how Seneca attempted to comfort his friend Marcia, who lost her son Metilius to death.  Lots of great content here, and this one stood out for me particularly:

"In a clear statement of Stoic determinism, Seneca gives an analogy to express the true nature of life, in which he states that life is just like an inn and that all of us will soon leave to make space for another guest. He states that our time here is short and all men and their works have a brief time here, and take no part of infinite time. People always say that someone “died early” and “before their time”, but in actuality, Seneca argues, every man has a time in this life that has been assigned to him, and that no one dies before his time. We always associate death with old men and old age, but death is always floating around everyone, even the youngest of children.

Seneca finishes with an essential reminder, that we should evaluate life not by length and years, but by virtue. One should not measure life by the number of years lived, rather by what has been accomplished and how it was lived..."

What Pigs, Organ Transplants, and the Stars Can Teach Us About Life and Death

Over at CNN.com, Katie Hunt has an article: "Research in pigs shakes up what we know about dying".  To summarize, scientists have discovered that cellular functions and blood circulation in pigs can be restored even an hour after their deaths.  This could have major implications for humans, especially when it comes to being able to increase the number of available donor organs for those who need them.

Speaking of organ transplants, this reminds me of a story I heard back in the news in the 1990s, when an older woman by the name of Claire Sylvia, who was seriously ill, received a heart transplant from a young man, Timothy Lamirande, who was killed in a motorcycle accident.  Soon after the transplant, she developed a serious craving for McDonald's Chicken McNuggets.  Unbeknownst to her at the time, Chicken McNuggets were one of the favorite foods of her donor, Tim.  This phenomenon has been reported in multiple publications, including Dr. Thomas Verny in Psychology Today, Lorianna De Giorgio in The Toronto Star, and Marcus Lowth at Listverse.com.  Of course, the vast majority of organ donor recipients report no changes in their personalities, or preferences, but there seem to be enough cases that this could warrant further investigation.

Between these stories about restoring bodily functions in pigs and organ transplants, I've beginning to realize that the line between "life" and "death" might not be as definitive and crystal-clear as we tend to think.  And when I think about it, I have to ask: what is life and what is death, really?  Or are we all just on some sort of continuum where it all just kind of blends and blurs together?  It reminds me of the saying that "We're all made of star stuff" -- the components and elements that make up the stars in the universe make up our own bodies as well, including carbon, hydrogen, nitrogen, oxygen, phosphorus, and sulfur.  

And on a related note, I'm reminded of theologian Philip Yancey, who once wrote that we humans are so limited in our understanding of our world and our universe, and he used this analogy of a supernova in his book "Disappointment with God" to show how a Supreme Creator being could be so much bigger than we realize:

"Now we understand time as relative, not as absolute. Perception of time, we are told, depends on the relative position of the observer. Take a recent example: on the night of February 23, 1987, an astronomer in Chile observed with his naked eye the explosion of a distant supernova, a blast so powerful that it released as much energy in one second as our sun will release in ten billion years. But did that event truly occur on February 23, 1987? Only from the perspective of our planet. Actually, the supernova exploded 170,000 years prior to our 1987, but the light generated by that faraway event, traveling almost 6 trillion miles a year, took 170,000 years to reach our galaxy.

And here is where the higher view of eternity defies our normal understanding of time. Imagine, if you will, a very large Being, larger than the entire universe—so large that the Being exists simultaneously on earth and in the space occupied by Supernova 1987A. [This being could observe] both past (from earth, he saw the supernova explosion of 170,000 years before), present (the events of 1987 on earth), and future (what was happening on Supernova 1987A “now" that earthlings will not learn about for 170,000 years) simultaneously.

Such a Being, big as the universe, could, from some lookout post, see what is happening anywhere in the universe at any given time."

I realize that this post almost reads more like a "random stream of consciousness", but it makes me realize how much more there is to life and death than we realize -- it's all very mysterious and very fascinating at the same time, even if I'm still struggling to find the answers.  May you, dear reader, find comfort and reassurance, as you too continue to search for answers.

Grief and the Limitations of Language

Over at What's Your Grief, Litsa Williams has another great article, "The Limited Language of Grief".  Oftentimes, she writes, those of us who are grieving have a hard time describing what we're feeling, and we struggle to find the right words to define what we're going through.  Other times, she writes, there aren't any appropriate words:

"Still, there are many experiences where we remain tongue tied.  These are grief-related events and feelings that should have a word, but don’t. For example, someone who has lost a spouse is a widow (or widower), someone who has lost both parents is an orphan.  But for those who have lost a child, we can think of no specific word.... Most commonly we hear the term bereaved parent and, though it works, I can’t help but wish that such an unbelievably devastating loss had its own word."

Perhaps we can look for ways to enlarge our vocabulary that encompasses our experience with grief and loss?  I do resonate with Williams's description of "grief friends" -- people you bond with over shared grief.  I've been fortunate enough to discover some of these people since my mom and the pets passed.  Anyhow, I would recommend reading the whole article -- it might be a good way to get us all thinking more creatively to explain what we're going through.

Loss Through Music: Westlife's "I'll See You Again"

My mother loved and enjoyed all kinds of music throughout her life: Classical, Rock-and-roll, Euro-pop, Broadway musicals, to name a few.  During the last few years of her earthly life, she started developing a fascination with a lot of the famous Boy Bands!  One group she enjoyed in particular was Westlife.  Mom -- I'm giving this one for you: "I'll See You Again":

 

 

Articles Worth Reading: Grief and Isolation

Over on her website griefandmourning.com, author Jade has a good article on the pitfalls of becoming isolated while we are grieving the loss of our loved ones.  I personally know all too well that this is a trap that is all too easy to fall into.  Jade writes:

"One of the most painful parts of the grief process is the experience of grief isolation. It’s bad enough that your loss already left you feeling alone and singled out from the rest of the world, but now, with no way of knowing how to respond to such tragedy, most grievers tend to go further into the isolation of pain and profound loneliness. While this is a common course people find themselves going toward, it doesn’t mean that it’s the best course to follow."

Lots of good suggestions here on how to combat "grief isolation", as well as many of the psychological traps we can fall into while we're dealing with our loss, and what we can do to correct them.

Videos That Have Helped: When You Miss Someone

YouTuber Einzelgänger has a great channel devoted to philosophy, mostly devoted to Taoism, Buddhism, and Stoicism.  For those of you who struggle with grief, he has a very good video, "When You Miss Someone."  What I love about this video is that it can apply to people in a variety of situations, including those of us who had close friends move away, or are going through a break-up, as well as those of us who have lost loved ones to death.  Two quotes from the video that really struck me: "The reality is that everything comes and goes, and so do people.  The thing is that impermanence is what makes life possible, and, also, appealing."  And: "When we spend large amounts of time and energy on missing someone, we hand over the power over our mood to past memories....If we can't let go and long for something that isn't there, our present will appear gray and lifeless, often full of despair."  Definitely worth a full watch:

Can Technology Help Our Grief? New Developments of Amazon's Alexa

ABC News has published this article from the Associated Press about Amazon's latest development with their personal assistant device Alexa.  Excerpt:

"Amazon’s Alexa might soon replicate the voice of family members - even if they’re dead.

The capability, unveiled at Amazon’s Re:Mars conference in Las Vegas, is in development and would allow the virtual assistant to mimic the voice of a specific person based on a less than a minute of provided recording." 

I'm not sure what to make of this.  Personally, I'm not sure it would do much to help with my grief.  To me, hearing someone or some thing pretending to be my mother is not the same as hearing the actual voice of your loved one, even if it's from years ago.  But who knows?  Maybe there's another perspective here that I'm not aware of.

Articles Worth Reading: "12 Insights into Grieving After the Death of Your Loved One "

Over at DignityMemorial.com, Dr. Therese Rando, a clinical psychologist in Rhode Island here in the United States, has written an article: "12 Insights into Grieving After the Death of Your Loved One".  Among her insights: "It Takes Time" -- even though many of us have this preconceived idea that our grief is automatically healed by the 6-month or 1-year mark.  Also: "Grief is Personal and Unique" -- everyone has their own individual relationship with the deceased, and everyone processes grief in their own way.

One particular excerpt from her article really stood out for me:

"In our society, there is a curious social phenomenon. On the one hand, we have relationships with dead people all the time. We learn about dead people in history, are influenced by them in philosophy and are moved by them in the arts. We celebrate holidays to remember them, dedicate buildings in their honor and visit museums to see how they lived. In virtually all aspects of our lives, we are in a 'relationship' with the dead.

However, on the other hand we are told that we have to 'get on with life' and 'let go and put the past behind.'  It seems that in Western society it is acceptable to have a relationship with a dead person as long as you didn’t know that individual personally. This is why you could be criticized for displaying a certain photograph of your departed loved one, but it is permissible to have Princess Diana's face on a memorial plate hanging on your wall. Clearly, there is a double standard."

Dr. Rando brings a lot of insight and wisdom to the subject of grief, and the whole article is absolutely worth reading in its entirety.

Do Animals Grieve?

Are humans the only species on Earth capable of expressing grief and sadness when family and other companions die?  I've oftentimes wondered on that possibility.  Jessica Pierce, of "The Smithsonian Magazine," wrote a 2018 piece asking that very question: "Do Animals Experience Grief?"  Pierce looks at the argument from both sides, and cautions us as to the appropriateness of ascribing human emotions to animals.  Nevertheless, Pierce believes that animals may, in fact, grieve and mourn in similar ways that humans do.  The following images could help us ask whether animals are purely instinctual creatures, or whether they are capable of feeling loss in a way similar to how us humans experience death and loss.

Monkeys: (source: https://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/asia/monkey-mourning-dead-baby-photo-infant-emotional-india-a7728226.html)

Doves: (source: https://cowboystatedaily.com/2021/06/08/image-of-dove-appearing-to-grieve-over-death-of-mate-in-wyoming-goes-viral/)

 

Raccoons: (source: https://www.ladbible.com/news/animals-raccoon-mourns-the-loss-of-its-buddy-20180827)