Words to Ponder Over: Andrew Sullivan

I've been listening to a lot of podcasts lately, so many of the upcoming posts will have a similar theme.  On that note...

I was listening to another episode of Anderson Cooper's "All There Is" podcast, where Cooper was interviewing fellow journalist Andrew Sullivan.  I was particularly struck by Sullivan's words as he reflected on the passing of his parents:

"...we should not become obsessed with what we've lost because you've got to live and life is right there in front of you. And the whole point of surviving [the death of my mother] was to live. And they would not want you to sit around moping forever. They wouldn't. They really wouldn't." 

Sullivan then offered a pointed critique of the way we deal with death in society:

"It is an extraordinary ordeal to be a conscious being and know that you will disappear, die and leave, and the other people around you will leave and you'll never get them back. Suffering reveals the way things really are. This is how suffering works. It sometimes takes trauma to get there. Like we keep this at the margins. Always. We even put old people away. It is all a part of the denial of death that our culture has incredibly successfully achieved. And we've developed health care and comforts and wealth in ways that insulate us completely from all of this. It's not healthy. It is not healthy to keep death and loss at bay in this kind of happy, upbeat, consumerist [society]...[where] you've got to look as beautiful and as young as possible. You've got to earn as much money as you can. You've got to be as famous as you want to be...and that will make you happy. And then, you know, and then that's why I think in our culture, when grief happens to you, you're so sideswiped. This isn't supposed to happen." 

Excellent insights throughout this episode.  You can listen to it here.

Words to Ponder Over: Andrew Garfield

Yesterday marked the three year anniversary of my mom's passing ("anniversary" sounds like such an inappropriate word for such an event, doesn't it?)  My dad and I went out to lunch together and visited the lakes here in Ohio where we had scattered my mom's ashes.  It was a bittersweet day -- a time for reflection and remembrance.  It also gave me an opportunity to reflect on everything that I had experienced in my life over these past three years -- times of both personal growth and stagnation, times of agonizing grief and times of awe and wonder, times of seeing my world dramatically collapse and times of having my horizons greatly expanded.  

As I sit here thinking about what it all means, I think back to words I heard back this past October from actor Andrew Garfield, when we was being interviewed by journalist Anderson Cooper on Cooper's podcast "All There Is".  Garfield had lost his mother to pancreatic cancer in 2019, and his own reflections while walking on the beach after his own mom's passing really struck a chord with me:

"My interpretation of that moment was that it was the wisdom of nature, the wisdom of the earth, the wisdom of the ocean, letting me know, hey, yeah, it's hard. It's horrible. I'm not taking away this unique pain you're feeling. But just so you know. Us out here, us water molecules, we've been seeing this for millennia. And actually, this is the best case scenario for you to lose her rather than for her to lose you.
This is a much better situation. And again, my ego was holding on. My ego thought I knew better. My ego said, no, this doesn't make sense. No, no, no. It should be this way. It should be that way. But actually, it took the ocean, the greater opponent, to just hold me under and say, it's really horrible. 
And sons have been losing their mothers for thousands and thousands of years, and they will continue to. And you've just been initiated into that awareness and into that reality. Some illusion has been lifted. You're in a realer version of the world now, and it's painful."

The whole episode is well worth hearing in its entirety.  You can listen to it here.

Articles Worth Reading: Grieving the Old You

I'm feeling the need to post a little more as we move into the holiday season, which can be really tough for those of us who mourn the loss of loved ones at this time of year....

But one overlooked aspect of grief is mourning the loss of the person that we used to be.  This has become evident to me especially in recent days.  Do you remember the kind of person you were before your loss?  Did you have a different attitude towards life?  Did you have more faith and/or confidence?  Did you have interests or hobbies that no longer resonate with you?  

What you're feeling is actually quite common.  Shelby Forsythia, who works as a writer, podcast host, and Intuitive Grief Guide, authored a 2021 article:  "How to Grieve the Person You Used to Be". She begins by stating: "When someone we love dies, a part of us dies as well. While society has set practices and rituals for people who die, we rarely get an opportunity to honor, grieve, and release the person that we used to be and the life that we used to live."

Forsythia discusses the importance of self-compassion, as well as the importance of avoiding the tendency to either sanctify or vilify the kind of person we used to be.  I really like her ideas on creating new rituals for ourselves in the midst of our grief and loss.  One particular suggestion she makes that I really like is taking an "identity inventory": 

"Pick up a few flat stones outside or purchase a bag of river rocks from a craft store. With a permanent marker or paint pen, write your name on one of the rocks, to represent your old self, and on the others, write all the intangible things you’re grieving. These can be things like 'faith,' 'trust in myself,' 'creativity,' 'the belief that the good guys always win,' and so on. When you’re done, bury your 'old self' along with your 'losses'....

 

Demystifying Dying: Julie McFadden, Hospice Nurse

Julie McFadden has been a registered nurse for over 16 years.  She worked in hospital ICUs before transferring over to Hospice and Palliative Care. This past June, she released a highly-acclaimed book: "Nothing to Fear: Demystifying Death to Live More Fully".  She also has a YouTube channel where she's already made hundreds of videos.  

Julie is not afraid to get into the nitty-gritty details about death and dying that can be so emotionally difficult for so many of us.  While being both matter-of-fact and gentle at the same time, she talks about the "death rattle" and other symptoms that tend to emerge in the last 24 hours of a person's life.  She explains why so many patients are dehydrated at the end of their lives -- and why that's actually a good thing.

In another one of her videos, she explains why so many of us can be deeply upset when we see our loved ones pass with their mouths hanging open -- we believe that they're in agony or suffering while they're dying.  But Julie explains that that's not really the case at all -- it takes a lot of muscles to actually hold our mouths closed.  When we see others dying with their mouths open, it's a sign that our physical bodies are actually relaxing.  Julie sums it up succinctly:  "Our bodies are born knowing how to die."  

Some of Julie's videos show actual patients that are actively in the dying process, which may be difficult to watch for more sensitive viewers.  Following is a link to one of her videos which might be more comforting for all viewers: "Why You Shouldn't Be Afraid of Death and Dying":